My Runway Never Looked So Clear

Those are the infamous words of RiRi herself from her song Hard. Actually my runway doesn't look all that clear but I hope to be saying these words one day soon. I am so ready for my plane to take off. I would like to know what does being Hard mean. Does anyone really know? People use to tell me when I was young that I had to be hard. I would like to say I am hard but I tear up every time I hear a Ray Lamontagne song and I hate sending things back at restaurants. So maybe not. But then again if you knew my life you may know that I have had to be hard not to go insane. Life can do that to you sometimes. I think we all harden ourselves to some degree as protection from the reality and the people that surrounds us. It is actually very sad if you think about. That life forces most people to become no more than hardened images, to afraid of what would happen if their real selves were exposed. We're just really walking shells of existence. Well today I don't feel like listening to Ray and crying or finding a solution to the sadness that is humanity. I'd rather bob my head and watch Rihanna shake her ass.

2010 here we go again!

I have decided to write detailing each week of this new year. I am mainly doing this because I have absolutely nothing else to do. 2009 was a rollercoaster year. I actually started 2009 in my birth home of Nashville visiting from California where I had been living for the last three years. I was quickly reminded why I left Nashville in the first place. The first week into 2009 and I was on the first plane back to California. Waiting for me there was the church/cult that I had joined and I ran back with open arms. But events there started spiraling out of control. I got desperate and made a snap decision, May 1st, I went back to Nashville.

I was regretting coming back the moment I stepped off the plane. I was only suppose to be here for the summer and then I was moving to Korea where I had got a job teaching English. I couldn't even wait the the three months until my departure date. I was in Nashville for about a month before I pooled my resources and flew to New York and then me and two of my friends went to Europe. I couchsurfed around Europe for about a month before getting stuck in London. It was bittersweet because I was finally seeing the world but I knew that I really couldn't afford to be doing what I was doing. I ended up staying in Europe to long and missed out on my Korean teaching job.

Ended up coming back to Nashville again. Moved in with my grandmother (after realizing that moms was on a whole nother level) and I felt at peace as I tried to figure out the next step. Then my cousin and her 1 year old moved in to my grandmother's too. Peace no more. I soon realized that the challenges were going to keep on coming. Decided to join the military reserves to get trained in a new field and to have my college loans paid off. Became really excited about it too. But got stuck with an ass for a recruiter who strung me along for 6 months and is still doing so as of this posting.

And this week? The first week of 2010. I have decided to try and go back to California. I have been doing nothing for the past 6 months but being miserable to the point of insanity. I think if I am fortunate enough to go back to Cali I will never leave. I know I would never come back to Tennessee. I think the whole state is on a personal mission to kill me slowly. But moving back to Cali will mean swallowing some serious pride, as I left with the anger and spitefulness that only a true southerner could have. And believe me I still have plenty of it. But maybe this time I can get a little closer to the dream that took me to California in the first place. Here is to 2010, with the hopes that this year is more of a stroll than the rollercoaster that 2009 was. Either way I am putting on the safebelt and preparing for the ride.